You Can't Always Get What You Want...

But if you try sometimes...



Thank you, Marc Ecko. I can't believe I just said those words.

Deadspin: This is the *Ball That Will Grace the Hall

Barry WAOUTCH

As I write this, savior of the San Francisco Giants, valiant knight of Sir Christopher Russo, and honorable servant of Genius Master Brian Sabean BARRY ZITO is in line for first win of this still young season tonight as the Giants take on the NL East leading (wait, what) Marlins tonight in Florida. 

Zito, who is 0-8 with an ERA too hilarious to type, is making something like 17 million dollars this year. He also has an endorsement deal with a local manure company. How can anyone not buy his product? You got ma, which is great, and newer! Who doesn't like that?

Games to Watch: May 16th and May 17th

Here's what you should be watching over the next couple of days while paying your lawyer a lot of money to make sure you don't go to jail for a lot of money.

Friday

- Indians @ Reds, 7:05 PM
Is it really interleague play already? Fuck. Anyway, surging Indians against the not-so-surging Cueto. I will make up new jokes when Cueto stops sucking, I promise.

- Mets @ Yankees, 7:05PM
OMG ITS THE SUBWAY SERIES!!!! YAHHHHHH!!!! Santana is starting against Darrell "Razzle Dazzle" Rasner in the Mets final trip to the way better New York baseball venue. As much as he likes to think it doesn't matter, Hank has to realize that the only way the Yankees don't look stupid is if Johan blows out his arm on the first pitch of this game.

- Twins @ Rockies, 9:05PM
Who the fuck thought this matchup up? Anyway this isn't really all that interesting. I'm just curious to see if there is an "Extblogaganza Curse" on Nick Blackburn from last Sunday.

- Tigers @ Diamondbacks, 9:40PM
It's the Supposed to be a Juggernaut vs. The Actual Juggernaut in a showdown in the desert this weekend. Gary Sheffield considers the lack of DH in the NL an overtly racist stratagem by MLB.


Saturday

- Rays @ Cardinals, 1:05PM
Two very surprising teams face off in an interleague battle that in March looked like a real yawn-fest that just happened to include Albert Pujols. You're welcome, Cardinals, for not having to face Scott Kazmir. Matt Garza vs. Adam Wainwright looks to be the most interesting pitching matchup of the weekend. I will be watching.

- A's @ Braves, 7:05PM
Rich Harden attempts to injure himself again, Tim Hudson tries to be lights out and not get screwed by the Braves offense.

- Royals @ Marlins, 7:10PM
Brian Bannister vs. Burke Badenhop in the ultimate alliterative name pitching duel of the last half-century. Again, this game really isn't all that interesting...

- White Sox @ Giants, 9:05PM
Barry Zito is pitching. Hilarity shall ensue. My prediction is he pitches a no- hitter but walks in 4 runs in a truly awesome display of suckitude. Final score 4-2, Chi. Sox.

In case you missed it: Barry Zito is officially cursed

Here's what you may have missed while finally figuring out what the hell a platypus is.

- Barry Zito can't even beat the Pirates. I'm out of jokes at this point.

- Edinson Volquez awaits an H-Unit jinx, Cueto style! Rich Hill knows he could have been better at giving up that many homers than Jon Leiber.

- Ryan Church shows that he too can Bend Ya Knees, Mets roll over the Dodgers.

- Cy Lee continues to dominate, Yankees now faced with being swept... again.

- Ryan Zimmerman woke up from his coma, still plays for the Nationals, loses 4-3. Lance Berkman continues to just ass-pillage opposing pitchers.

- Holy shit, the Rangers shut somebody out!

You're only as good as your next day's starter...

...Which means the Giants probably should be World Series contenders because their number 1 starter is Barry Zito and a homeless guy could pitch better for that amount of money. Cain and Lincecum are quite good but the "next day's starter" thing is really magnified if you are following Barry in the rotation.

5IP 8 H 4ER 1BB 1K 1 HR against the Dodgers yesterday

However, to his credit, Barry Zito actually shows up to pitch whilst stealing the vast sums of money on his contract, unlike some people....

And then Barry cries... "WAH!"

Barry: “It’s not my fault the writers tried to pull an all nighter…”

/does steroids

AP: Bonds Seizes on Government Typos